I'm in a Season of Worry + Wonder

A sunrise diary entry for Getting Messy with Jesus

My big, beautiful brain is struggling because I cannot see my path.

I’ve been here before. I have deep skills with this.

And yet. It feels different this time.

Something about having given myself over entirely to Jesus has changed this.

It makes sense it would. It changed everything down to the particles.

To be saved in the soul for eternity with Him does not change the realities of living here now. If anything, it makes it harder.

I don’t find much support or help out “there” in the world. What I see from teachers and leaders of faith feels not enough.

Even if I find one or two where I can feel their sincerity and genuine love for Christ and for the unknown stranger that is me reading or listening to their words online.

Even when I find those who are not selling me some package of themselves. Whether for money or for pride. (Or worse, infiltrated by unclean spirits in manners they don’t see but are obvious to me after many years of being honed by Spirit for this purpose without realizing that.)

Even when I find the clean ones, they don’t address this wild, crazy brain which demands insane pattern recognition experiences at all hours of the day and night beyond any reasonable level.

It’s this brain. It is so demanding. It is relentless. I have often said the gifted brain is like a three-year-old toddler playing in the kitchen of your life. If you let it access the knives, there WILL be blood everywhere.

You must only give it good toys to play with: tupperware and wooden spoons, metal mixing bowls if you can tolerate the racket.

Other people with these brains laugh knowingly because yes, they too have been bloodied and gored by this brain.

Three-year-old toddler? More like a three-year-old giant gorilla!

This brain wants to KNOW. It craves to organize. To synthesize.

What do I tell it during a season when the things that make the most sense aren’t applicable to the daily realities of life on Earth?

How do I corral it into something that won’t send me into a spiral of worry while still being practical?

The things that give me WONDER are everywhere. They are all around me. Signs and wonders abound calling me to remind me…

To remind me of the unexpected Grace and shock of being brought before the Throne of God to witness Him and the Seraphim who pray around Him ceaselessly, “Holy Holy Holy…” YES. What an incredible job! The best job of all creation right here! To be the living creature crammed all over with eyes to try and see God’s Glory as much as possible and to be allowed to do nothing but praise and proclaim Him.

The way the wind and the tall poplar at the edge of the meadow speak together in their special harmony, singing God’s Glory to me as the sun rises, tinting the leaves gold.

The way the rain showers briefly in the early morning, seemingly sent by God himself to soothe my soul.

To say, sweet daughter, be still and remember. I am here.

Yet my brain intrudes: yes that’s great, but it does not pay the bills.

Both are right.

For me, the only thing to do in such moments, other than collapse, which I always regret if it could have been avoided, is to sit down and write these words to you, online stranger, online friend, online Child of God.

These words of worry and wonder.

:::

What helps you wrestle your brain back into its correct place versus destroying your mood and morale when you are in worry?

For me, when all else fails and I cannot bring myself to either pray or go out into nature (my tier 1 tactics), writing or creating visual art is often the only way. It doesn’t always last past the phase of the doing, but often it does provide enough relief, enough experience of pattern synthesis and organization that my brain will stop clamoring thunderously in all the wrong ways so I can get about other activities for the day.

I find the answers to this question vary widely for those with highly gifted brains and often do not line up with the more broadly accepted tactics in the mainstream.